...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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