Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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