I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
