Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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