i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
