seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
where are my eyebrows?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
