so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
