summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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