I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
