At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
