He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
