got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
