wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need a beard to bite.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
