see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
