I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
