im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
