If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize