Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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