Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize