So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
