when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
