yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
