You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
