So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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