I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
