Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize