remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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