the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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