The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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