Cold hands, warm shart.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
