Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
