the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
