come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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