There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
