i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
