it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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