My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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