Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
