hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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