I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
