i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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