Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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