I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
