I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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