the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
