A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize