I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
