she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
