just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize