That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
