so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
