For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
