life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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