I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
