it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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