Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
