i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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