A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
