He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
