Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
