420 ftw
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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