You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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