she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just gift wrapped bread.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
